Intimacy vs Isolation - The Epidemic of Loneliness in Your Twenties
I think my favorite class that I’ve taken was Human Development back at the University of Hawai’i. When you dive into the natural developmental cycles of a human, it becomes a little more tangible to understand the natural instincts that many of us can’t necessarily fight against. Being in my early twenties, myself and many of my peers have entered into the sixth stage - and this stage has been so interesting to analyze from both an intrapersonal and outward perspective.
If you’re not familiar with Erik Erikson’s theory, here’s a simple breakdown. Verywell Mind explains that “Erikson’s theory outlines eight stages of development, each one defined by a core conflict that shapes personality and identity.”
What I find so fascinating from an outward perspective is that, naturally, humans have so many defining patterns in the way we grow, connect, and move through life. Yet, from an introspective level, it can feel incredibly confusing and lonely. Entering into the sixth stage has been such a whirlwind - and apparently, it will continue to be until I’m about forty!
There’s something comforting about realizing that maybe some of the things we feel so deeply aren’t entirely unique to us. Maybe they’re just part of being human.
Throughout media, I have been consuming the intrinsic and interesting view of two different perspectives. On one hand, I view those on my social media that advocate for connection and community. Throwing events such as run clubs, social groups executed towards a certain niche, or new hobbies that a friend group could try out, etc. Though, on the other end - I see an alarming amount of media about isolation and how solitude and needing yourself is all you need. I believe that these two very opposing viewpoints in our early twenties can be more harmful than good if one leans more to one side.
I guess the question to pose during this developmental period - is how do we balance both? What does a healthy balance even look like?
To preface I am a big advocate for leaning into being alone and to like your own solitude! I heavily leaned into this part of this developmental stage during my first year of my twenties actually. So, I am not more different than one who prefers their alone time.
Though, during the last year - I have outwardly chosen to partake into a liking of putting myself out there within the communities around me. Being open to collaboration, new ideas, and new perspectives have built such a foundation of confidence within myself and being able to be a part of a community I genuinely love.
First of all, from the age of 19/20 I was dealing with a huge break up. Naturally, this led to me self isolating. So much so that I would cancel dinner plans in order to cocoon in my bed or to melt into a deep meditation (yeah, my spirituality also got really deep during this period HA). Though, during this period of isolation I learned a lot about myself; and because I learned so much about myself I became very rigid on what type of person and people that I wanted in my life from then on. Naturally… I started to gravitate to want to grow out of that solitude.
About a little bit shy of a year later - I entered the dating scene again, was traveling a LOT, would say yes consistently through meeting people wether through my peers, social media, even strangers, etc. During this experimental shift coming out of my cocoon of solitude - I started recognizing what intentions, motives, and the people I wanted to surround myself with. I cut a lot of people off - but gained quality people in return (the give and take of the Universe per se).
I think looking back at it now - there are the things that allowed me to really delve into these two sides of the spectrum of this idea of intimacy vs isolation. And now, that I have it is easier to recognize that balance of solitude and community.
Being solitude - though great, can be hard to pull yourself out of. I have seen it on media and even in person with my peers. The idea of solitude can turn into a toxic cycle. This excessiveness of solitude can turn into a heightened ego.
I believe, that intimacy and isolation is meant to be balanced. Isolation in the greater idea of solitude and learning about yourself; and Intimacy beyond just romantic relationships - but also community, family and friends. Without solitude we would never have the privilege to learn about ourselves (our morals, our likes, dislikes, opinions, styles). But, without intimacy we would never have the privilege to have our egos checked, perspectives shared, trust in our community, and the opportunity for help and love from different intimate dynamics.
Maybe that is the real purpose of this stage - learning when to be alone, and when to let people in. Learning who we are without the influence of others, while also understanding that who we are is constantly shaped by the people we choose to surround ourselves with. There is a balance between knowing yourself and allowing yourself to be known.
And maybe, as confusing and lonely as this stage can feel, that balance is something we spend our lives learning.
All my love,
Brejette Nepa