Before The Figs Rot: Learning to Choose While Still Wanting Everything
I want to be everything, everywhere, all at once. The ache my soul and body feel because of the wanting to do all that I want to do in this lifetime is beginning to burden my soul. Truly, how does one choose when life is so vibrant and diverse?
I would like to relate this feeling of when I was a kid in Kindergarten. You know that question when you ask a little a kid: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and then they hit you with a plethora of answers?
“I want to be an astronaut!”
“I want to be a nurse.”
“I want to be a teacher! Or an ice cream man, or a fire fighter!”
I still feel that way. Except, instead of jumping with excitement about the possibilities - it becomes overwhelming… debilitating even.
The Fig Tree Poem is written by Sylvia Plath written in her book called the Bell Jar.
There has been no other writing that has encapsulated the way I have felt for so long. The analogy of the fig is so beautiful and enamoring in its’ own way. The symbolism of figs go way past than what Sylvia Plath interpreted them as - the fig in many religions such as “In Christianity, the fig tree is associated with paradise, and in Islam it is considered a symbol of purity. In Hinduism, the tree is considered sacred, and in Judaism, it is a symbol of abundance. Buddhists also hold the fig tree in high esteem, believing that it was under a fig tree that Buddha attained enlightenment. Whether eaten or simply admired, figs have always been prized for their beauty and symbolism” according to one article.
Therefore, in both Sylvia Plath’s article and the various interpretations around the World; the fig fruit seems to be the lost of adolescence and naiveness when choosing to gain more knowledge and or experiences within our lives in order to reach new conscious awareness. However, the deeper connotation of the fig in Sylvia’s writing suggests that abundance itself can become overwhelming, and it is from this excess of abundance that decay begins.
I have been notorious in my family for doing so many things at once that I never end up choosing a single path. However, the contradiction is that in your twenties, being able to experiment and experience different things is seen as a blessing—yet I don’t think people realize it can also be a curse. Always two sides of a coin many may say.
Because of this, I am so blessed to have experimented and experienced so much. At the same time, that same spontaneity has caused many of my projects and goals to fall through the cracks. This has left me needing to backtrack and really hone in on being more present and persistent with my goals. Truly wanting to see the finish line.
The thing is, the longing to want to do so much will always linger. There will always be that quiet “what if?” in the back of my mind—and that has always been, and will always be, hard for me to stomach and accept.
Don’t let your figs rot!
This is the analogy that TikTok has now established and has been pooping up on my page. The push to choose and to make a decision within life can be so scary - and can feel such a weight to many people.
I realized my fear for choosing while dissecting the topic with my therapist. Instead of allowing that fear to consume me - she told me to write it out. She gave me the analogy of a thread. Your life is basically a huge ball of thread - but if you follow a singular thread things will slowly unravel.
So, I drew out a ball of thread, as well as multiple threads coming out of it. From the multiple threads, I wrote out my goals for the next year… I then read all my goals, and numbered and related them to a month. Breaking it down further and further until it was tangible and readable on paper. A mind map if you will.
The thread analogy comes from the poet William Stafford:
"There's a thread you follow. It goes among things that change. But it doesn't change". This implies a fundamental truth or life purpose that remains constant even as circumstances and external factors shift.”
By writing my life goals out on paper and honing in on what I truly want out of this lifetime, things began to feel tangible and meaningful again. I now understand that my anxiousness comes from the paralysis of overload within my brain. When so much information is constantly swarming, it becomes difficult to make clear and concise decisions.
I am, however, a firm believer that you are allowed to intersect, weave, leave, and try many different things throughout your life. Still, there is a difference between intention and actually seeing something come to fruition.
When you are able to break down and categorize your goals and truly step back, it becomes possible to breathe—to realize that, realistically, not all goals are meant to be achieved at once. Some will be reached further down the line, some will ripen within a few months, and others will take years.
What has become most significant to me is the realization that time isn’t inherently against me, nor are the choices I am to make. Everything works with me and for me, for reasons I cannot explain nor fully understand. And in some ways, that understanding brings me a great deal of comfort when separating, achieving, and prioritizing the goals I want so deeply.
Some figs are meant to ripen at different stages, times, and processes in life. A fig only rots when you try to pluck them all at once. Learning to trust the season each one belongs to has taught me patience—with time, with myself, and with the unfolding of my own life. Not every choice needs to be made now, and not every desire needs to be acted on immediately. Some are simply meant to hang a little longer, becoming sweeter with time.
Let your figs ripen, pluck one each at a time, and let patience be your friend.
All my love,
Brejette Nepa